(Basically a quick statement about where the hell I’ve been or been up to for the past few months, lol.)
“Coming out is how you stay alive.” -Sapphire
I’m a lesbian.
There. I can finally say it now, openly and without reserve. I feel liberated. I’ll eventually be commenting much more on this journey, but for now, it’s enough to just be able to say it openly.
I’m 35 years old, and it took me to this past year to realize that I’m not bisexual at all, that I am gay. This statement is in no way an invalidation or critique of bisexuality, not at all, and I need to make that absolutely clear- believe me, I know about the biphobia in the community (and in general), and I don’t tolerate it one bit.
It’s just that, for me and in my own journey, I realized that I wasn’t actually attracted to any of the men I’ve been with in my past, that I had dated them only because of societal and personal pressures to conform to heteronormativity. The real love stories in my life, the true attractions I’ve ever had towards another person, were all about other women.
When I realized this, it was like the fucking sky opened up, and I could see clearly for the first time in my life. I also spent a few weeks laughing because I’m *majoring* in Queer Studies, and I had no idea I was actually gay. How on earth could I have been so unaware of this? I STUDY THE GAY THINGS. HOW COULD I NOT KNOW I WAS GAY.
But, see, this is why education is needed because mine has not only helped transform my life, but has made me fall head over heels in love with all the sexualities and genders and identities that are being formed and re-formed. People are discovering who and what they are.
I’m literally going through this evolution with them, and it rocks my fucking world.
I’ve made steps in my personal life to move closer to what I want in my life- now, that after 15 years, I’ve finally figured out exactly what that is- and to involve myself more with this stunningly beautiful community and how their fight for visibility and rights is affecting the world at large.
But, seriously. I’m gay, y’all. I’m a lesbian. I am head over heels in love with women. The sheer joy at knowing that, at knowing who and what the fuck I actually am, is overwhelming. Anyone who has ever had this experience knows exactly what I’m talking about.
I marched in Pride here in Charlotte, NC a weekend ago, and the communal feeling was just… MAN, I get chills thinking about it. Wow. All the sexualities, romantic orientations, races, genders together in once place, no walls, no red tape, just celebration.
Yes, there are problems in the community. Racism, transphobia, sexism, ableism, ace and bi phobias, I know that, I don’t idealize us, but goddammit, we are allowed to celebrate who we are, it’s IMPORTANT that we do, and that’s what I’m doing right now. Each day I get up, I celebrate. It took me a long time to get here, and nothing on this planet will take this from me.
Not abusive mothers, not homophobic/racist family or society, not the heteronormative structure, not sexism, not straight panic, nothing. I’m coming home, and I’m coming home a fighter. I need y’all, use what I’ve got, here I am. Let’s channel the Lesbian Avengers: light some fires and consume them.
“And of course I am afraid, because the transformation of silence into language and action is an act of self-revelation.” -Audre Lorde
(Keep the Faith! -H)